Alpha Female

Ive always been described as strong-willed, opinionated, motivated and ambitious. These are admirable qualities; this is a person that gets shit done. But as soon as these personality traits come with a pair of boobs, its like people don’t exactly know what to think about you or think about themselves.

I look at every area of my life as ‘if I want something, I’ll find a way to get it’. If it’s material, I’ll wok harder to be able to buy it. If it’s emotional/professional, I’ll read books to learn/overcome it. These things are pretty standard and very justifiable and attainable for women today. Society is more supportive of bad a** b*tches, but they aren’t totally familiar with them in every aspect of life. This is where some people are perplexed by the attitude of an Alpha Female. Everyone preaches opportunity and equality for women, however pressures are still in place that condemn women to see rules where there are no rules: relationships.

When it comes to relationships, you bet I’ll ask him out if I’m interested. To me, one second of possible rejection is a lot less scary than waiting and wondering if I am sending him the right signals. If you want it, GET IT. Some of my friends say I want to be like you when I grow up (even though we’re the same age) basically meaning – I wish I had the guts to do that. It kind of makes me cringe with disappointment for a millasecond when I hear one of my friends say this to me. Instead, they play the usual game of wear my cutest outfit when he’s in the office, avoid the bars if I have a crazy zit, never text him first and ignore him for the first half of our night out and then start flirting when I notice him looking at me. That sounds EXHAUSTING to me.

How are these the ‘rules’ that women feel they should follow if all they really want is to be with this guy? These acts leave so much up to interpretation and assumption and timing and emotional turmoil if things don’t work out the way you are hoping them to. But you know how you CAN have them work out the way you want them to .. ASK HIM OUT. Own what you want. Pursue what you desire. Get what you deserve.

Girls, be more Alpha about your life. We’ve all seen a movie where a woman is a boss b*tch and is looking at brochures of artificial insemination because she was so busy being a boss she never had time to find a guy. Some of us have thought, I hope that never happens to me. If you don’t want it to, ask him out.

If you want something, find a way to get it.

 

The Basic Things I Love About Fall 🍂

So today I had a Pumpkin Spice Latte #basic. The first PSL of the season. Since I drank the basic potion I’m feeling in a mood to share all of the basic girl things I love about fall! K I’m going to stop saying basic so much .. it sounds weird.

Fashion:

  1. Plaid. In the fall time plaid goes from a fashion piece you associate with daisy dukes & cowboy music to an oversized top you put on with most likely leggings & some sort of sneaker or high boot. Plaid changes its game in fall & goes from tied at the waist in the bar to casual & cozy on the street (just like how 400 other girls are wearing this with white converse) #basic
  2. Open toe booties. Fall is a magical time that shares a few weeks with us girls where it is cool enough to wear a bootie but warm enough to have an open toe. Thank god that August pedicure can still shine while I slay my way to fashion headquarters #basic
  3. Scarves. Basically my Pokemon of fall fashion pieces, I gotta catch em all. & trust me I’ve got ’em all, infinity, flannel, oversized, with tassels & multiple patterns. That chunky knit sweater with leggings, knee high boots & an oversized tartan scarf look; yeah you’ll find me wearing that all fall long with a smile on my face realizing how Pinterest ‘Fall Fashion’ basic I am #basic
  4. Sweater dresses. Finally! Finally its cool enough to switch your dresses into sweater form & still feel so stylish while doing anything but with a comfy, hipster chic twist. You will spot me in my fleekin sweater dress most likely with my open toe booties & flannel scarf .. #basic.
  5. Jean jacket. If anyone has seen me do anything in weather below 20 degrees, they’ve probably seen me do it in my jean jacket. This thing is my favourite item to wear if I find any breeze too cold. Im talking pants, dress & skirts .. & my night on the town outfits are made even more basic because I am wearing a jean jacket over a Mendocino dress #basic
  6. Burgundy. If Fall had a flag, it would be Burgundy, with a PSL crest in the middle. Burgundy is the anthem to my fall make up colour scheme & Sephora splurges. Burgundy everything makes fall so much better #basic

Food:

  1. Pumpkin Spice Lattes … obviously.
  2. Spaghetti squash & Butternut squash. You know the weird looking long ass vegetable things people use as decoration in a wicker basket during Fall. Some of those can be eaten too! Hello people. If you have not had either of these, you are not Fall-ing hard enough. Falling in love with Fall, that is 😉 Omg I’m so lame. But for real, I have not had a Thanksgiving meal in my lifetime that did not consist of both butternut squash soup & spaghetti squash along side my turkey. I love this shit in Fall #basic
  3. Teas & Hot Chocolate. It’s finally getting cool enough that I crave hot drinks all the time. 95% of the tea I consume in a year is during the Fall & something about a cold Autumn night makes me crave hot chocolate & cozy socks, those two things just go. Goodbye grande caramel machiatto – no whip, hello grande chai tea latte with almond milk #basic
  4. Chili. Unless you’re cray cray like me & request a pot of mom’s homemade chili in the middle of July (true story), then you probably feel more inclined for this comfort food during Fall. But even though I crave the goodness all year round, I love it most in fall. This is probably my least basic love yet, but I make it basic because I have to snapchat that I’m eating chili in Fall to my story #basic

Everything Else:

  1. The strange calm you feel listening to the wind blow between the stiff Fall leaves that have changed into the prettiest colours. #prettybasicbecauseduhthatsthefirstsignoffall
  2. Fires at night. These were always fun in the summer, but now it is just a tad colder at night so everyone gets a little closer. You share a blanket with your best friend in the backyard (which is most likely your oversized tartan scarf) & start to be reminded that we live in Canada & secretly love the outdoors & actually cant wait to see snow #basicEH
  3. Picturesque AF. Dude, you’re telling me you don’t wear your cutest ensemble & burgundy lipstick to go to the pumpkin patch to take cute laughing photos? Clearly you’ve never done fall like I have #basic
  4. Decorating pumpkins. I’m not much of a cutter since I can work a marker better than I can work a knife (lets be thankful for that). So I like to draw on the best pumpkin I picked at the patch with a scary face I found on google. Then I pull a lazy college girl move & leave it faceless on my front porch until the evening of Halloween & feel bummed the next morning that I spent $11.99 on a pumpkin that got 4 hours of glory #basic

Those are a few of my favourite things .. about being basic during Fall 🙂

Follow The Feeling

Today was a good day. The theme of my day was a reassurance to follow the feeling.

After I graduated I leaped into a sales job because of the flashy salary they offered to someone my age & all of the perks, development & culture they promised. They weren’t lying to me, I was making boat loads of money for someone my age & I was getting training & development & being introduced to a wicked culture. But once it came to that one year mark in working there, something within me changed.

If I were to describe myself in any way as a girl in university, it would be ‘extremely motivated but with no opportunity (yet). However, once I hit that one year mark in my sales job the way I described myself was ‘all the opportunity in the world (as most sales jobs offer) but no motivation’. I lacked motivation to hit numbers & quotas day in & day out. I felt like a robot; doing the same actions every single day with an autopilot mindset & soon enough, steam coming out of my hinges & screws falling out because I felt over worked. The flashy salary, development & culture was still there, it hadn’t changed, but I had. I started to hate feeling like a robot & being focused around quotas showing your worth in the company. I started to spiral within & outside of the company walls, I started to drink too much, party too much, do recreational drugs far too frequently & always “too busy with work” to pursue or consider an relationships. I felt like I was running on 50% battery for about another 6 months – both personally & professionally – & felt like I was literally running on a treadmill, going & going but not moving at all.

I knew I had reached an unhappy place when I would day dream a reality of waking up & not having to go into that office on a Monday morning. Literally smiling to myself when I thought about the work duties I could leave behind & some of the nuances I would never have to do again. Then, one night, I found myself awake until 4:00am. Not because I had a cup of coffee too late that afternoon, but because I let my mind follow a feeling.

When I first started this job they sent out a bio piece & one of the questions was “what was your dream job growing up?” I wrote “a bad ass writer like Carey Bradshaw”. I started to think about why I wrote that. I started to think about what my high school English teachers used to grade me as & say about my work. Flashes of ‘A’ & ‘A-” came into my head & red ink saying “Fantastic!” .. “Wonderfully written” .. and my favourite “Get an agent kid!” I loved English in school, I loved English & essays in University & I loved writing in the little spare time I had between work & spiralling into a bad place. So I let my mind continue to follow that feeling & I started to imagine where I could take this. I started to look at writing jobs in Toronto, titles of people in writing on LinkedIn & I got so excited about day dreaming of a job as a writer that I thought I needed to do something about this. For the first time in about 6 months, I started to feel my motivation coming back; I started to feel ‘extremely motivated with all the opportunity in the world’.

I had to follow that feeling & shortly after, I quit my job. I started this blog & I started looking for creative writing opportunities. My aunt worked in Radio all of her life & had strong connections so I asked her to introduce me to people in the Creative Writing department. I spoke to them & got them to look over my Radio Ad portfolio I created. Then next thing you know, a full time internship popped up at Corus Toronto for Technical Production & Media Content Development helping out 3 shows! I jumped at it & that is what my days are filled with right now. I spend one day a week in the studio listening & watching everyone record what I am helping create & the rest of the time I am working cozily from home creating content to blog about & updated social media platforms & websites for the station!

I went from making almost double what any of my entry level counter parts were making to being an unpaid intern that has to commute to Toronto, & I have never felt more happy.

I FOLLOWED THE FEELING & it was completely worth it. we need to listen to the feelings that overwhelm us with joy & follow them. My all time favourite quote (seriously, it is written on my make up mirror in Sharpie) is: If you can’t stop thinking about it, don’t stop working towards it!

FOLLOW THE FEELING EVERYONE 🙂

When you’re feeling uninspired & uncreative

“Everything sucks, some of the time.” You just have to decide what sort of suckage you’re willing to deal with. So the question is not so much “what are you passionate about?” The question is “what are you passionate enough about that you can endure the most disagreeable aspects of the work?” ~ Elizabeth Gilbert & Mark Manson

These words set off a classic choir symphony of “aaaahhhhhhh” in my head when I read them. My last post was 20 days ago. TWENTY. DAYS. That is a long time to be uncreative & to be away from this space. This space that is mine, to create whatever I want, that I paid for to pursue & indulge in my so called passions.

If writing is my passion – which I know it is, because there is this hum of happiness inside me & joy I feel when I hear my fingers clicking at the keyboard – then why haven’t I been able to get myself to write a post in 20 days!? Why have I denied myself the hum & joy of expressing myself.

I’ll tell you why. With “bloggers/blogging” becoming a sensational worldwide occupation for creative people to start their own businesses by being so popular, relevant, topical & therefore successful, I find it puts a lot of pressure on you to tell a unique story that blows up because it is transferrable to what others are feeling as well. I have built up inside my head that these posts have to mean something or relate to someone other than me. If I am going to be a blogger, I have to blog about something people will want to read about. That being said, human experience is human experience; & I think I may be distancing myself from that. I keep feeling like “oh I won’t blog today because I have nothing to write about, I am not feeling anything significant enough.” Meanwhile, I know that 100+ thoughts have gone through my head that day that are current, topical & human for a 23 year old girl to feel. Truthfully, I think more bizarre & share-worthy things happen to me on a daily basis than most people. In the past 72 hours for example, I have told people about a crazy scenario that happened to me when I went to 2 bars that ended up being closed on Friday night (how often does that happen), the shitty relationship I’ve been dealing with for the past month & the “accident” I got into this morning (me vs. school bus) with back to school starting. My life is not dull – it is very far from dull. But still, I have not given myself happiness & joy in writing about what I consider daily occurrences in my bad luck lifestyle because I’ve felt they weren’t significant enough to other people to write about.

But that is why the words of Mark Mason in Elizabeth Gilbert’s book, “what are you passionate enough about” really hit me. I am passionate enough about writing that I want to do it often but I was letting the “most disagreeable aspects of the work” – being uninspired & uncreative – get the best of me. I am passionate about writing because I love to write & I am going to make this blog as simple as that. I will write every day from here on out & I won’t worry about who my story or perspective is impacting, because I know someone else out there has just as bad luck & positive thoughts as I do (or at least someone will get a kick out of it). I don’t need to be inspirational or giving advice or thinking of the big picture for now. I need to do what I love because I love doing it & that is what I am passionate enough about that I can endure the most disagreeable aspects of the work. I will create to create & I will be inspired by the simple act of hearing my fingers click against the keyboard & feeling happiness in sharing my simple stories.

 

I’m a Writer

“As a writer, whether it be novels, non fiction or song writing, the only thing I really do is make jewellery for the inside of people’s minds. Writing music & writing stories is nothing more than decoration for the imagination. Intracranial jewellery is a wonderful profession” – Elizabeth Gilbert & Tom Waits 

One staple, two staple & 28 more

December 11 2016 5:45pm. Five minutes away from home driving back with my Mom, Dad & brother in the first snowfall of the year from an early Christmas dinner celebration. One moment I am mentally preparing for what I have to do the next day at work. The next moment I am being swung in one direct as our SUV spun at 60 km/h & I hear my mom screaming as her door caves inward from the collision.

The impact created an immediate stop, no more sliding. The impact also caused my seat belt to knock the wind out of me, like the worst punch to the gut I’ve ever experienced; but it lingered. I couldn’t breath, I couldn’t speak. & the worst part about that was my mom who had glass & smoke all around her was calling out for me & my brother, all she wanted was to know we were safe, but I couldn’t answer her, I couldn’t do anything.

The wheezing started & I got back to breathing after what felt like the longest minute of my life. Stars in my eyes & smoke & broken windows all around me. I looked to my right at my brother, he looked back in a shaken up daze & a scrape across his forehead. Under my breath I called out “mom, mom, it’s ok” & somehow she managed to hear me & her shoulders relaxed & she put her head back on her seat in relief. The next 30 minutes was a spiral of pain, smoke, lights & voices as I moved out of the car. It was too painful to stand, that impact in my gut lingered like a bitch. Like my stomach had been deflated & was collapsed on all of my below organs but wouldn’t inflate as I tried to inhale. The icy air stung my skin too & it was too much to handle, I had to sit down, I didn’t care if it was unsafe, I got back in that car & held my moms hand since she couldn’t escape from her inverted door.

The next half hour was pretty standard. I let go of my moms hand & was driven to the ER in an ambulance by myself, clutching my stomach as if my organs would spill out if I didn’t. Only minor bruising so they plopped me in a wheel chair & sent me off to fend for myself at triage. I cried the entire wait in line – “Where is my family? Are they still stuck at the car? How much pain are they in? Why won’t this pain in my stomach die down?” I wheeled myself to the waiting area where I found my brother & Dad waiting for me. Thank god. My brother ran over & wheeled me toward them, updating me on everyone’s status’s the whole way. Mom was being examined for a cracked sternum (where she was told she had to wear a neck brace for 24 hours), my brother had been seen for a concussion & had a small bandage on his forehead scrape. My dad, as the driver, had a bloody knuckle & a heavy heart painfully waiting to hear all of the news about his family.

Suddenly it was my turn to be checked out, the doctors pressed & felt all over me, standard. Then it was time for me to release my arms from over my stomach so they could check it out. I took a laboured breath & released slowly, feeling exposed & scared. He felt by my hips, ouch. He felt by my ribs, ouch. Then he pressed underneath my belly button, oh shit give me a garbage! I started to throw up uncontrollably. As I lifted myself back up, kind of embarrassed & kind of pissed at him he had a bewildered look on his face. I asked what was wrong with me, he said: “I’m not sure, do you have the flu?” “No I don’t have the flu” “Are you sure?” “If I have the flu now, I would have had it this morning too, which I didn’t”. A second opinion was needed.

So I was wheeled to all sorts of massive machines, where I had to do strange painful poses so they could see the right areas inside of me. Everyone was pleasant given it was nearing 12:00am at this point. About, 35 minutes later I was introduced to a doctor who would tell me some awful news as I held my moms hand in our hazy, tired state that would change my life forever.

“So you have a lacerated spleen & a rupture in your intestines. There is fluid leaking from your intestines into your body, that is why you have been throwing up. Your body is becoming septic & the blood pumping into your heart is contaminated. We have to go in & do surgery right now before your system starts shutting down. Now, if the rupture is in your small intestine we can repair it easily, but if it is in your large intestine, it is very tricky, & it is likely you will have to wear a bag outside of your body to collect your waste for the rest of your life. Do you want to proceed with surgery?”

My mom cried when they stopped me in front of the OR doors & told me how much she loved me. She adjusted the shower cap looking thing on my head & I told her not to worry, everything was going to be ok, that I loved her & I wanted her to eat something. As I was wheeled away the nurses complimented my christmas manicure I had just gotten & told me they would have to take it off for surgery. Bummer. As I was hooked up to many machines & starred at the OR ceiling, I was happy the pain was going to go away, but felt a new pain in my heart that my life could be different forever after this.

I woke up around 6:00am that morning to my moms smiling face with tubes coming out of both arms, out of my nose & out of my mouth. I did my best attempt at smiling back at her. Later that day I would be introduced to my new battle wound – 3 inches of my small intestine was removed & I was closed back up with 30 staples up my stomach not needing a waste bag.

I survived. I was happy & I was thankful.

Paddle Forward

Sometimes, on a Sunday morning I am in that mood when I’m sitting behind my computer, cup of coffee on one side of me & a sunny garden view in front of me reflecting on things. Where you’ve been, where you want to go & most of all, where you’ve made it to at this current moment & how you’ve gotten there, who you’ve gotten there with & how many of those factors are still present. They say success is a journey, not a destination. Which is why reflecting on how things were to how they are currently & how much further you still have to go becomes consuming. So many check points to factor in, so many people you’ve picked up on the way. Has it been a straight line? Likely not. Detours, road blocks, bumpy patches & most of all getting lost along the way is what my life has comprised of. Those things have been both minor & major set backs, but I ended up finding my way back to the original route eventually.

Mistakes, losses, confusion, they wear you down, & the people you’ve picked up along the way can prey on that. They can be the back seat driver, telling you certain routes are better than others, question your judgements, laugh at you when you want to stop & ask for directions & start to make you think about your competency of completing the journey. Some of their judgements weigh on you, because they are in it for the long haul. You may have picked them up half way through, or they could have been with you since day one. Either way, the ones you decide to travel with become the narrators of your journey – their thoughts & opinions ingrained into your head.

You’re journey is most likely by car, but the way I like to think of conquering back seat drivers is at sea. Because the journey is like you’re in a boat & you have an ore of how you want everyone else to see you & you’re paddling & paddling with that one ore but all you are doing is going in circles & making yourself unhappy for not being able to move forward. But if you want your life to change you have to pick up the other paddle of how you see yourself & balance both in order to move forward in your life. The narrators that get you down, you need to stop catering to them, narrating your life choices & letting them make you feel bad for the path you have chosen. You listen to them of course, let them have their opinions & hold onto that paddle as a means of balance, because the way you let other people see you is not always how you see yourself. Then, you also need to look at yourself, remember the path you originally decided upon & pick up that paddle & go towards it.

I write about this because I let my journey be one sided, using one paddle for about a year. I knew what I loved & I knew where I imagined myself ending up, but I let people get in my way. Telling me what I was supposed to do, where I was supposed to be & I treaded in circles for a year, unhappy & unmoving. I finally got the courage to pick up my paddle & start moving forward to wear I am now & towards where I want to be.